I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize