that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
my liver is dry heaving
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
