It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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