so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
