Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
