here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
