Already got asked if we're dating
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Randomize
