Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
