Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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