Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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