Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
