that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
