I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
