I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Come on in and take your pants off
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