I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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