New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
