i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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