the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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