I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
