Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
