So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
