I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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