if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
