The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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