she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
