She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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