I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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