I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
