One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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