He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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