The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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