One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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