U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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