Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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