He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
