why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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