When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
