Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize