In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
