This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
God, I missed his penis.
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