btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You left your phone here
Wait...
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