You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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