he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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