I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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