Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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