how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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