the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
