it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
