So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize