if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
