i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Come see our sink grown plant.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
