I'm drive I can fine osifer
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
