I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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