Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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