Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
