My balls are so social today.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
