And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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