she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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