If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
