ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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