hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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