So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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