I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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