I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
