i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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